


When

by andthatiswhythelightningstruck



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Kissing, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-27 23:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5069836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andthatiswhythelightningstruck/pseuds/andthatiswhythelightningstruck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When I first saw you, I was afraid to meet you. When I first met you, I was afraid to trust you. When I first trusted you, I was afraid to kiss you. When I first kissed you, I was afraid to love you. But now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you." Barrison from Eobard's point of view. A study in his relationship with Barry, all the way from season one to the present.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When

_The first time I saw you, I was afraid to meet you_.

 The first time Eobard Thawne ever saw Barry Allen - ever _really_ saw him up close - was outside of Jitters. Barry was fresh out of college - that much, Eobard had figured out - and he was writing something on his phone with one thumb.

Eobard stood on the sidewalk, staring after him with a mixture of loathing and curiosity. It was strange to see how the famous Barry Allen had grown up - how he had gone through his gawky teenage years to a fully-grown man. Barry's childlike innocence was still written all over his face - and now, with his goofy smile and his soft, pre-runner features, it was hard to believe that Barry would ever grow to become something - _someone_ more.

Eobard ducked to the side of a building just as Barry looked up. His cover as Harrison Wells still remained - and from his time watching Barry, Eobard had come to realize that he idolized Harrison - which was, to say, ironic. (How roles can reverse...how the admired can suddenly become the admirers...) If Barry was to see him now, it would mean Eobard would have to talk to him. Have a lengthy discussion, and honestly, Eobard wasn't sure how long he'd last. Barry - at this moment - was just _too_ simple. Too undeveloped. (Too innocent. Too gentle. God, did Eobard hate Barry for that.)

Eobard watched silently as Barry looked around once - twice - shrugged, then went back to his phone. His thumb hovered over the screen for a few moments, and then, Barry lifted it up to his ear. From his position by the building, Eobard could hear Barry say, " _Hey,_ Iris. Guess where I am?"

Barry's smile grew as the other person on the phone - Iris - answered. "Nah, I'm not in my apartment right now," he said, scuffing his shoe against the pavement. "Nope, not at the library...okay, Iris, _that_ doesn't even sound logical. There's no way I could _ever_ get into STAR Labs undetected or brought into jail for forcing and entering." (At this, Eobard nearly laughed out loud.) Barry's face flushed pink. " _Iris,_ " he groaned, "I'm not _that_ obsessed...and for the record, that was _one_ time."

Barry craned his neck at the front doors of Jitters. "Seriously, though," he said, rubbing a hand behind his neck, "guess where I am."

There was a pause.

Then, Barry said simply, "Look out the window."

Eobard watched as the doors flung open, and then young Iris West was flinging herself into Barry's arms, squealing and laughing and -

The two were a perfect image of happiness. A perfect image of youthful bliss. A perfect image of what a future happy married couple would look like.

Eobard looked away before this could last any longer. He started to get ready to go - Caitlin and Cisco would be wondering where he went, anyways - only before he could, he heard a loud shout.

Eobard turned to see a big, balding man step outside of Jitters, shouting a slew of complaints at Iris. "I catch you slacking off one more time, I'll fire you!" the man screamed, his face reddening. Iris was no longer holding onto Barry, instead standing at some distance with her head held up high. Though the woman didn't say anything, Eobard could tell from the slight clench in her jaw that this was something she was used to - and something that she had heard repeatedly.

"I'm on my break," Iris replied stiffly. "On my break, I'm allowed to talk to my friend."

The man snorted. "You were miserable today," he said, jabbing an accusatory finger at Iris. "Shauna had to cover up something that _you_ spilled -"

"It was the other way around," Iris interrupted, a hard look in her eyes. "Or did she forget to tell you that?"

"You listen here - it's enough I tolerate you to work in this place, but if you think for _one second_ you could -"

" _Hey,"_ Barry said, holding up his hands. He stepped in front of the man, saying, "Iris told you that your other employee was lying, alright? And she said this was her break - give her some space. In fact, I'll buy a drink - okay? Okay? Sir?" Barry added this as an afterthought, his jaws clenching together.

The man narrowed his eyes at Barry. "Who do you think you are?" he growled.

Barry stopped short. Eobard saw him flick his eyes nervously - once at the man, then to Iris, then back to the man. Clearing his throat, Barry wrapped an arm around Iris' shoulders and said confidently, "I'm her best friend. Stop treating her so badly and unfairly - her dad's a cop, you know." He leaned in. "And if I find out you've done anything to hurt her, I can uncover everything, too. I'm a part of the CCPD."

The man snorted. "You?"

"Forensic scientist," Barry replied, a slight smile tugging at his lips.

"What, you think I'm a murderer or something?"

"No," Barry responded, "but I can figure out if you hurt my friend or did something wrong to her." He smiled. "But you know, that's only something _I_ can do." He shrugged his shoulders and looked down at Iris. "I think I'm gonna buy that coffee now."

Iris grinned. "I think you should," she replied cheerfully, and the two headed into Jitters, leaving the man behind.

Eobard couldn't help it. He smiled. He saw Barry and Iris in Jitters - the two were laughing; Iris was mimicking Barry, hands on her hips and her lips stretched out to imitate Barry's attitude. Eobard could already imagine what the conversation between them must be like.

And then Eobard caught his reflection in the mirror - saw the slight smile on his face, saw the odd light reflecting around him.

He stopped smiling. He shook his head to himself, quickly turning on his heel.

So Barry stood up against a mean boss. This didn't change anything.

 _This doesn't change anything,_ Eobard thought to himself, hurrying away.

He needed to stop watching Barry - needed to stop seeing the good sides of him.

Because he didn't want to see those good things - he needed to keep his hatred _real and alive -_ needed it to get back home...

But Eobard knew he would eventually have to meet Barry - have to talk to him.

And God, was he scared that might undo him.

_Guard your heart, Eobard. You never know what might happen to it._

  _The first time I met you, I was afraid to trust you._

The first time Eobard Thawne ever met Barry Allen - ever _really_ met him after the first meta-human attack - was later in the night, when Barry was standing in the cortex of STAR Labs.

He was standing in his normal clothes, looking slightly rumpled - and tired. (How often would Eobard see that same tired look around Barry from here on out...that was something inevitable.) Eobard stopped his wheelchair short outside of the cortex, watching Barry stand in front of the computers and his suit. And though Eobard couldn't see Barry's face, he already knew the expression the young man would be wearing - a mixture of awe, of wonder, of disbelief...of _hope._

"Mr. Allen," Eobard said (before the thoughts could take over. Before the thoughts could change his mind), directing his wheelchair forward. "I thought you'd be home by now. The others are."

Barry turned around, eyes wide with surprise - only, once seeing that it was Eobard (Harrison), he relaxed visibly. "Oh," he said shortly, gesturing to the cortex, "I...was just heading out."

"Are you still finding this hard to believe?" Eobard asked, following Barry's gaze.

"A little," Barry laughed. He stuck his hands in his pockets. "It's just - I mean, the other day...which I understand was nearly nine months ago - I thought the fastest I could go was seven miles per hour. Maybe less." He shot Eobard a halfhearted grin. "And I mean - I thought I was ordinary."

"You're not," Eobard replied. He hesitated. "I mean that in the best way possible," he added.

Barry laughed again. "I figured." He smiled shyly at Eobard - but Eobard turned away, feeling something cold settle at the bottom of his stomach. This was exactly what would make things difficult for him - Barry's childlike admiration for him, Barry's bashful and shy attitude, Barry's ongoing hope and appreciation for all things beautiful and whole -

Eobard wasn't sure how he was going to survive this.

"Dr. Wells?"

"Yes, Barry?" Eobard asked without looking up.

"I - uh - wanted to thank you."

Eobard forced himself to meet Barry's eyes once more - at the wide, green eyes that softened in the reflection of Eobard's (Harrison's) own icy, stormy ones. "You showed up," Barry said, taking a few steps towards him. "You talked me through the tornado - and I know you've got something against heroes - but I just..." Barry smiled again. He stuck out a hand. "Thank you. I know I wouldn't have been able to do this without you."

Eobard hesitated. But then he lifted his hand and clasped it against Barry's. He gave it one shake before pulling away. "You know," he said after some time, "you're right. I find heroes..." He dared not look at Barry again. "Unrealistic. They build up an expectation of always being ready to protect people. They _provide_ for people - and one day, when they disappear...well. It's hard." He tapped his fingers against the armrest of his wheelchair. "It's going to be a hard path for you, Barry," he said at last, his voice softer than before. "There are going to people counting on you all the time from now on, and when you let them down -"

"I won't," Barry suddenly said. "Dr. Wells. I wouldn't ever."

Eobard smiled, more to himself than to Barry. "And you're confident of that?"

There was some silence before Barry said, "When I was little, I needed a hero, Dr. Wells. In some ways...ironically, you were one of them." Eobard felt something clench at his heart. His fingers froze, mid-tap, and he slowly lifted his head to look up at Barry.

The expression on the young speedster's face was sincere, so open and so... _grateful._

Eobard was finding it hard to breathe.

"I'm not a hero, Barry," Eobard managed to say. He forced out a laugh. It sounded disconnected, even for him. "Far from it. You just need to turn on the news to see my point."

"No, but the thing is, you were. You are," Barry said. He leaned against the desk, his arms folding over his chest. "You...wrote - researched - spoke about finding impossible things, opening up a door to _find_ the impossible - you were so devoted to your work, and it brought me some hope, knowing that there was someone else out there who was just as interested as...the unknown world." Barry gestured at the equipment around him. "And I mean, even now? Even with the news around you? You're still a hero. You still helped me defeat the Martin brother, even though you were convinced it was a lost cause. If that doesn't say hero; if that doesn't show a man who's trying to make it up to his city, then I don't know what does."

As Barry said this, Eobard could only stare.

He realized two things -

 _One_. This was who Barry Allen was - someone who hoped and dreamed and loved and saw the best sides of people without a second thought. Someone who truly cared about what would become of people and wanted to protect the helpless.

 _Two._ Eobard had just met the real Barry Allen. Not the Barry Allen before the lightning - not the Barry Allen from his own timeline - not even the Barry Allen who had just woken from a coma.

"You're so sure of this, Barry," Eobard said at last. "And after what I said about my opinion on heroes, you still think it's safe to fully look at me as one? They eventually let people down."

Barry grinned. "I've had my fair share of being around heroes, Dr. Wells," he replied. "And as of now, I can tell you that the heroes I know don't disappoint me. They don't always leave." With that, Barry offered his hand again.

Eobard slowly took Barry's hand. This time, it was Barry who was shaking Eobard's hand - and then, in just a blur of navy, Barry was gone.

Eobard let out a long, slow breath. He could still feel the warmth of Barry's hand against his - he could still see Barry's green eyes flashing in front of him -

The thought came fast (in a flash).

 _This doesn't change anything,_ Eobard thought to himself, standing up from his wheelchair.

Just because he met Barry Allen, it didn't mean Eobard didn't trust him. It didn't mean he still didn't doubt Barry Allen's change.

Barry Allen would not get off this easy.

  _The first time I trusted you, I was afraid to kiss you._

The first time Eobard Thawne ever trusted Barry Allen - ever _really_ trusted him after Hartley was put away - was the next day, when there was another meta-human attack.

"Julie Pratt," Eobard said, swiping up an image of a blonde-haired, brown-eyed woman on the screen. "Twenty-seven years old, and was getting high with her friends when the lightning struck her."

Barry was rubbing his eyes, sitting up on a cot and groaning, "And something like that had something to do with the fact she can make people hallucinate?"

"Well, people are known to hallucinate when they're on drugs," Caitlin informed matter-of-factly. "Barry, hold _still._ If you keep moving, it's going to get harder for me to patch you up, you know!"

Barry fell back with a defeated sigh. "I need to get her," he said, looking up at Eobard. "What she did to me - what she _did_ to me and everyone else in that building - it was horrifying. We can't let her keep doing that."

"Agreed," Eobard replied. "We only have to find her."

"She's a drug addict," Cisco pointed out. "And she was looking for something when Barry got to her - maybe more drugs or something?" He snapped his fingers. "Maybe she's looking to sell or buy some drugs. Drug dealer meta-human!"

"Oliver once worked a case with vertigo, this drug that a guy named the Count developed," Barry said, standing up. Caitlin let out an annoyed huff before stepping away, but Barry didn't seem to notice. "The way he tried to get to the Count was by pretending to be interested in a deal. If she's selling drugs, I can get to her that way." He paused. "Then again, Oliver got hurt, but hey - I'm fast. I can get out if things get too messy."

Snapping her medical kit shut, Caitlin said, "You _do_ realize you might get caught by the CCPD if you try to put yourself in a drug deal, right?"

Barry shrugged his shoulders. "I'm a part of the CCPD. I could say that I was trying to work an undercover job."

"That's only for cops, Barry."

"...so? I've done worse."

 "You really haven't."

"I agree with Dr. Snow," Eobard said, steering his wheelchair away from the computers. "The chances of you getting caught - or worse, get trapped underneath Miss Pratt's hallucinations again - are too great." Caitlin started to nod, giving Barry a meaningful look until Eobard added, "So that's why I've decided I'll take your place in the deal."

" _What_?" Three stunned, incredulous voices chorused around Eobard. And for a moment, he was taken a back - especially by the looks of worry that Cisco, Caitlin, and Barry all exchanged. It was in times like these did Eobard sometimes forget that he was - in their eyes - considered someone better than just an associate. (He never knew what to think of that. They were all dead to him. They had to be, for Eobard to remain focused on his goal.)

"It'll be less suspicious," Eobard said, clasping his hands nearly at his lap. "And while I try to initiate the drug exchange with Miss Pratt, Barry can get to her. It'll be a quick job - effortless, painless and without any consequences."

"You could get hurt," Barry said softly. "Dr. Wells, we don't really know what she might do - you might get caught in the middle or -"

"Like you, Mr. Allen, I've faced worse," Eobard replied with a dry smile. "I've survived worse. And if you were to be caught by the CCPD, Barry, your future - whether you face consequences or not - might be tarnished. Caitlin's right - you could say you weren't actually interested in the drugs, but there might be some suspicion about you from there on out. Meanwhile..." He gestured at himself. "Dr. Harrison Wells, crippled and the city's biggest failure, would of course want something to take his mind off his misfortunes. It'd be easier to believe - and my own reputation has already been destroyed. Adding this wouldn't do much to my image." Eobard said this all as matter-of-fairly as possible, trying to ignore the range of emotions that flickered across Barry's face. (Confusion, sadness, disappointment - pain.)

"You said that you're trying to make it up to the city," Barry said slowly. "Before, in that press conference - and now what are people going to think if you get caught? They're going to go back into thinking you're a liar - and that you're a bad person. Which you're _not._ " He said the last bit forcefully, as though he was daring people to challenge his opinion.

"This would all happen only if Dr. Wells gets caught," Cisco pointed out. "I mean - if he wants to do this - which, by the way, Dr. Wells, I think is pretty crazy - then the meeting would have to arrange elsewhere. Somewhere the CCPD wouldn't think of getting to. So...by that, I mean none of the stereotypical places - under a shady-looking bridge or abandoned building or whatever."

"We could do it here," Eobard said, lacing his fingers together.

There was a silence that followed.

Finally, Caitlin asked, "Why...?"

"The CCPD wouldn't be here - I know that much," Eobard responded. "And the pipeline is just below us. It'll be easier for Barry to put Miss Pratt away."

Cisco started to open his mouth to say something but before he could, Barry said suddenly, "Dr. Wells, can I speak to you for a moment? In private?"

Eobard stared, bewildered.

"Now," Barry added.

Eobard gave Caitlin and Cisco a thin-lipped smile. "Excuse us," he said, and started to wheel away from the cortex. He met Barry in the hallway (of course, Barry had used his speed to get there first) - and the minute they were out of earshot, Barry asked, "What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on," Eobard replied, leaning back. "I'm helping in the best way I can."

"By endangering yourself."

"You do so everyday. I don't see why I can't."

 "I have Caitlin and Cisco talking me through the actions - I have my speed - and I have _you_ being the one to direct me." Barry replied. "Remember? With Hartley? If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead. Multiple times."

"And that is exactly why I think it's a bad idea for you to take this meta-human, Barry," Eobard said quietly.

Barry stopped short. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked softly.

Eobard had given himself away. Again. He struggled to remain his composure as he replied, "You'd get hurt, Barry. When the hallucinations attacked you, you only barely got out. I can - withstand some of them. You get distracted - you lose focus - and then, by the time you've regained some state of mind, Miss Pratt would have already gotten away. And you, Barry - I cannot trust you to carry something out like this without going through the consequences."

Barry stared. "I don't understand," he said incredulously. "I've fought meta-humans - physically _fought_ them - and suddenly, you...what? You don't _trust_ me?"

"On this particular situation, no, Barry, I don't," Eobard said sharply. "You get distracted too easily. You get wrapped up in your own imaginations too quickly. Someone who could literally _control_ the way you see things would wreak havoc on your brain - and this, I cannot allow. Will _not_ allow."

That did it. Eobard watched as hurt entered Barry's eyes - his lips parted, and then closed again. Barry took a few steps back, his hands dangling limply at his sides.

"Fine," Barry said shortly. "I - fine. _Fine._ You...do that." He pushed past Eobard, his arm brushing only slightly at Eobard's shoulder.

"Barry," Eobard started to say, turning his head. He had meant what he said - wholeheartedly _meant_ it (even now, he was finding it difficult to trust Barry to keep his head screwed on) - and yet, there was a prickling sensation of guilt - of regret - as he watched Barry's figure retreat back into the cortex.

"Barry," Eobard repeated, softer this time. If Barry heard him, he didn't show it.

Eobard let out a sigh. _Sentiment. This_ was all it was. Pure sentiment.

He shook his head to himself, trying to get the thoughts out of his head. _Eobard_ would not lose focus.  He had an arrangement to make with Miss Pratt.

 --

"Remember - we're standing right inside," Caitlin was saying into Eobard's earpiece. "At the slightest disruption, Barry's going to get you two both out of there."

"I'm sure he can trust me enough to do that," came Barry's voice. Eobard didn't miss the coolness in his tone - nor did he miss the slight twinge in his chest at it. There was some quiet from Cisco and Caitlin's end - the two were probably trying to translate what Barry had meant - but then Caitlin continued, "Did she show up in the parking lot yet?"

"No," Eobard replied, casting another look around the (mostly) empty space. "Although I know she'll be here."

"How do you know that? I mean, she _is_ a drug-dealing meta. Doesn't look like the most trustworthy person in the world, you know," Cisco murmured.

"But so were all of the other meta-humans we've faced," Eobard replied. Those words only just escaped his lips when a car roared into the lot.

The voices in Eobard's earpiece fell silent as Julie Pratt got out of her car.

"I'll admit it," she said as she walked to Eobard. "I was kinda surprised when I got up a call from the great _Harrison Wells_ about getting drugs. Didn't see you as one of those types - but then again, I've served up others before." She flashed Eobard a grin. "You know - typical suburban dads. Angry soccer moms. Bratty, curious teenagers. But _this_ \- well, I _have to say..._ " She held up her fingers, making a miniature picture-frame. "This must mean I'm moving up in the ladder - especially if I'm serving up the asshole who turned me into this in the first place."

"You were a drug dealer before the particle accelerator exploded," Eobard replied evenly.

Julie barked out a laugh. "I didn't mean _that,_ " she said haughtily. "I mean _this._ "

At first, Eobard didn't feel anything - which he supposed was the point - and then he saw Barry standing in front of him, so _real_ \- so _close._ He was smiling at Eobard, his hands stretched out and a slight blush rising in his cheeks.

Eobard blinked. He turned away quickly, trying to make sense of this - _this_ \- _this wasn't real. Not real. Not real right now._

He blinked again, and then Barry was pointing at a wormhole - and Eobard felt his chest constrict painfully. He saw the familiar buildings first - saw his family waving cheerfully from inside the wormhole. " _Come here_ ," they seemed to be saying. " _We're waiting._ "

"Home," Eobard breathed, feeling something crumble in his chest. " _Home._ " He was vaguely aware of people screaming at him through the earpiece, though they all sounded tinny to him. ("Dr. Wells! _Dr. Wells! Harrison!_ ")

_"Come here. We're waiting."_

Barry was smiling, his hand just centimeters away from Eobard's fingers. " _You can go home,_ " he appeared to be saying. " _Go home. Be safe. Be happy._ "

"I hated you for so long," Eobard whispered, staring at Barry's hand. "I - _hated_ you."

He never saw it coming.

"That's _enough!_ " Barry's voice - thunderous, angry - cut across the noise in the background. Eobard blinked again to see Julie on the ground, her chest heaving and sweat shining over her upper lip as Barry - the real Barry - towered over her.

"You're him," she whispered. "The speedster."

"And _you_ are going to go somewhere you won't ever play with someone's head," Barry growled, grabbing Julie by the arms.

 --

After telling Caitlin and Cisco that _yes, he was perfectly fine,_ Eobard just wanted to be alone. Alone and pretend that he hadn't just nearly given himself away.

But then Barry showed up.

"Hey," he said, his face softening. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Eobard replied. "Thank you for asking."

"Yeah." Barry pressed his lips together. "Are you...going to be okay?"

"I will," Eobard responded with a dry smile. "And you?"

"I wasn't the one who just got through some intense hallucinations."

"But you hallucinated at one point."

"Yeah..." Barry's voice drifted. "But not as bad as you."

"And what makes you think that?"

Barry cleared his throat, looking down at his feet. "You were crying when Julie set on the hallucinations," he said, sounding almost embarrassed. At this, Eobard startled. He lifted a hand to his face, and sure enough, he felt the semi-wet tears from his cheeks.

_Dammit._

"You...were talking about home. And a person you hated," Barry said slowly. "And...you sounded... _heartbroken._ " Barry pressed his lips together, his brow furrowed. "I should have gotten to you faster."

"It's..." Eobard dragged his hand away. "It's alright, Barry."

"No, you were right before," Barry said. "I - I got distracted. I got wrapped up in my own thoughts again - I was so worried about what you were actually _thinking_ and instead of getting you out of there, I stayed and just got...stuck. And that shouldn't have happened." Voice cracking, Barry added, "I told you I wouldn't let anyone hurt you."

 _Dear world, I present you Barry Allen, defender of the weak and powerless,_ Eobard thought to himself. He wanted to hate it - wanted to throw his head back and scoff at the ridiculousness and irony of it all - only he couldn't bring himself to. He couldn't look at Barry without feeling his composure give way - feel his walls slowly weakening.

"And I trust you," Eobard said quietly.

"What?"

Eobard cleared his voice. "I...trust you on that," he repeated. "I know you wouldn't let anything hurt me." He turned his head to the side, away from Barry. "You showed that multiple times - I just couldn't get used to it."

"And now, things are different."

"Things are different," Eobard replied quietly.

  _The first time I kissed you, I was afraid to love you._

The first time Eobard Thawne ever kissed Barry Allen was after one of the long nights.

Eobard wasn't sure how long he had been watching Barry run on the treadmill - wasn't sure how long he had been watching his lithe, athletic body turn into nothing but a blur - but all he knew was that he was feeling the crushing weight of what was to come. (He knew it was only a matter of time before this comfortable zone of ignorance would fade. He knew Barry would eventually find out he was the Reverse Flash - the Man in Yellow - the person who had twisted with his life since he was a boy...)

Eobard wished he could take it all back. He wished he could have found a different way - wished he hadn't ever met Barry Allen, because that would have been so much easier. (But he needed to go home. He needed to go home, return to his loved ones - and now Eobard was playing with two lives.)

He hadn't even realized Barry had stopped running until he was standing at Eobard's side, panting and sweating and -

"Hey," Barry said, rubbing the back of his head with a towel. "Dr. Wells? You there?"

Eobard jerked his head up. Barry had moved in front of him in a crouching position. A slight smile twitched at the corners of Barry's lips.

"There he is," Barry said, so happily - so sincerely - so gently. "Hey. I thought I lost you for a second."

Eobard forced on a smile. Things were getting difficult for him as time went on. Each smile - each time he told Barry that he cared - each time Barry reached over to touch him (whether it was something as small as a handshake or something as big as an actual embrace - because that had happened more than once. And each time, Eobard found himself sinking into a pool of self-loathing for ever letting this go so far,) - each time Eobard felt his own walls falling...it was painful. Heart-droppingly painful.

"I was merely thinking," Eobard said honestly. "You've come a long way, Mr. Allen."

"All thanks to you, though," Barry said with a grin. "I wouldn't have gotten this far if I didn't have you helping out all the time." He paused. "Or Caitlin or Cisco."

Another thing that made Eobard feel guilty. The way Barry praised him - the way Barry credited him for everything - because while Eobard _did_ deserve the credit, it was all for the wrong reasons.

"I only talk you through," Eobard managed to say. "The real hero is you, Barry."

"Here we go again," Barry shook his head. "You still don't get the whole hero thing, even though you're good at it."

"Barry," Eobard sighed. "You always -"

"Do this?" Barry finished for him.

Eobard let out a short laugh. Lifting his hand, he responded, "Yes. That. _This._ "

"I just believe in telling people what they deserve to know," Barry smiled. He sat down next to Eobard. "Really. I still can't thank you enough."

"Barry," Eobard repeated. "You shouldn't -"

"I should."

"Harrison?"

"Yes?"

Barry turned to Eobard. His smile was still on his face - but this time, Eobard saw the faint change in his eyes. Eobard didn't say anything - neither did Barry. But then Eobard was aware of how Barry was slowly leaning towards him, and even without realizing it, Eobard felt himself slowly craning his neck - slowly reaching for him -

And then Barry's lips were meeting his, a hand gently cupping the side of Eobard's face. Eobard kissed back, feeling his pulse stutter and his body push forward, wanting - needing -

"You should know _this,_ " Barry breathed, bumping his lips up to Eobard's upper lip. "And _this,_ " he planted a light kiss on the side of his mouth, "and _this_ and _this_ and _this..._ " With each word said, Barry's voice grew softer and hoarser, his breaths matching up to Eobard's - his hands kept moving everywhere. First at Eobard's face, then down to his back - up his shoulders, his neck -

Eobard wanted everything to start and stop at the same time.

"God, Barry," he whispered, lifting his chin. "You -" He couldn't even find the right words. Letting out a frustrated groan, he repeated, " _You._ "

"Yes, me," Barry laughed into Eobard's lips. "This part's me, and this part's me, and this part's me..." Eobard knew that the two of them were off in the deep end now, getting caught up in each other's ecstasy and energy - he knew that this was silly - this was unreasonable and impractical and terrible and dangerous -

But God, did Eobard want it.

  _But now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you._

When Eobard Thawne loved Barry Allen, it was too late.

He had already lost.

"Back again?" Eobard asked as Barry approached his cell. The young speedster's hands were tucked behind his back, his lips pressed together in a firm, tight line; the look in his eyes were tired and filled with ghosts. Eobard forced himself to look as light and as uncaring as possible - as though in this way, he could at least retain some peace of mind. Act as though he didn't feel as though his heart was breaking. It would be easier for Barry to accept him this way - as the man who had been hiding under the bed instead of the man who had kissed him - the man who had whispered promises to him - the man who _loved_ him -

"I needed to see you again," Barry said shortly, stopping in front of the cell.

"And now you're here."

"No one knows. The cameras are disabled for now."

"Smart."

"No, not really," Barry replied. The look in his eyes were hard. "I just - _why?_ All of that time - all of that _time_ you told me where to go, which place was the safest for me - all that _time_ you..." Barry's voice drifted. Eobard knew what was coming.

"All that time you and I were together," Barry said quietly. "Did that mean anything?"

 _Yes,_ Eobard wanted to say. _It meant everything. Every kiss. Every night in. Every morning after. Every laugh, every smile, every handhold. Every time I looked at you. Every time I said the three words. Everything. Every part of it - I meant it all._

"No."

It killed him to say it. It killed him to watch how Barry's face fell - watch whatever remaining light in him slowly drained away.

But this was better. This was easier.

"It didn't mean anything."

Eobard needed Barry to think this of him. If Barry was stunted to linger on this - on this...image of what could have been, he'd be stuck like this forever. And Eobard loved him too much to let that happen to him.

Barry's voice was quiet. "Goodbye, Eobard." He said, and turned around. Eobard watched as Barry left - watched his figure retreat forever.

Eobard looked up at the cameras. They were still turned off.

_Good._

He let out a choked sob, letting it bounce back at him for only a second before covering his mouth with a hand. He slammed himself into the back of the cell, sliding to the bottom and struggling to keep himself quiet.

_Guard your heart, Eobard. You never know what might happen to it._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know, I was feeling angsty.


End file.
